Are you able to have no-strings sex by having an ex?

Dear Roe: I’m nevertheless attracted to my ex but I’m perhaps perhaps not searching for a relationship

Dear Roe,

I’m a man that is 33-year-old I became formerly with a lady for 2 years inside our mid-20s. I moved away, but have recently moved back home after we broke up. My ex and I also have begun chatting over social networking so we wound up on an organization particular date together because of some acquaintances that are mutual. It is not too there clearly was extortionate flirting or such a thing concrete, but we got on great, there is no awkwardness and We nevertheless find her attractive. I understand she’s single and I’m wondering if maybe it’s feasible to begin a “no-strings-attached” situation with her? I’m still adjusting to being back and beginning an innovative new work therefore I’m maybe not searching for a relationship at this time, it is that feasible by having an ex? (this might be all presently hypothetical because I don’t determine if she’s interested, but We thought i will figure out exactly what i would like before ramping up the flirting etc.)

To start with, kudos on making the aware choice to find away your motivations before acting. All many times, individuals begin earnestly flirting with, as well as actively pursuing, some body before realising they’re perhaps not emotionally ready or interested, even though understandable and typical, this thoughtless kind of flirting can occasionally cause confusion or hurt feelings.

The very good news is that, for a few people, intercourse with an ex could be a confident experience, and a long way off from the psychological turmoil-fuelled catastrophe that lots of handwringing and melodramatic sitcom storylines will have you imagine.

Now – and please be aware that I stated for a few people, not all individuals – as with many news that is good you can find caveats.

A study that is recent Stephanie Spielmann of Wayne State University and posted when you look at the Archives of Sexual Behaviour showed that a lot of individuals who had intercourse with an ex after a breakup didn’t feel distressed or depressed, nor did it hinder their data recovery through the relationship. Spielmann describes that the findings claim that “societal handwringing regarding wanting to have sexual intercourse having an ex may possibly not be warranted,” and argues that people should concentrate our attention regarding the reasons individuals wish to have intercourse due to their exes, as opposed to the action it self.

The causes for attempting to rest with an ex may have merit – having sex that is good a break-up could be a means of closing the conversation on an optimistic note; having mediocre intercourse can demystify or prevent any idealising of an ex which help you understand you’re maybe not passing up on much (harsh but real); or it could simply make clear any lingering confusion and supply closing.

While that feels like a pass that is free rest along with your exes, Spielmann’s research – as with any studies – needs to analysed to be really recognized. Since it explored the emotions of these who’d slept by having an ex, it inherently centers on individuals who would not compose down intercourse having an ex as with inconceivable or undoubtedly terrible concept maybe not worth checking out. In addition it ensures that the participants’ exes had additionally weighed within the dangers or asleep together and deemed it a personal experience worth trying, at the least. Therefore needless to say the effect are likely to skew more good than in cases where a random collection of exes had ignored their gut instincts and slept together into the name of technology.

Which means that we need to have a look at your position, the causes you intend to have intercourse together with your ex, together with feasible dangers.

You don’t get into information regarding the break-up, which will be clearly likely to be a significant determining element. In the event that break-up ended up being complicated, or traumatic for the ex, or in the event that you left her whenever she ended up being nevertheless utterly in deep love with you, it is much less likely that intercourse between you two is ever going to be certainly casual. But, in the event that break-up ended up being fairly shared, determined by outside facets such you may well be in luck as you moving away, or just ended with a decent amount of shared respect for each other. The very fact which you drifted apart following the break-up for a couple worries additionally bodes well, because it’s more most likely which you’ve both separately grown as individuals and accomplished the psychological distance essential to keep intercourse fairly simple. If exes remain close or have intertwining lives, it is much more likely that sex with reignite some nostalgia or emotion which could show confusing.

But once again, i need to rain on the parade right right here. All this logic, as well as Spielmann’s research, centers around having a one-night-strand with an ex – maybe not having the extended situation that is no-strings-attached appear to desire. However you possessed a relationship that is serious this person. Those are strings, Pinocchio. While you could see each other more and the fall-out from any complications could be greater as you also seem to have a shared social life in some capacity, the potential for emotional complications is much higher.

Offered that one could be concentrating your time on finding a unique individual to own some causal fun with, an individual who can offer a truly no-strings-attached situation, i need to wonder if you’re being totally truthful with your self , and subconsciously do have a aspire to rekindle one thing along with your ex – away from desire, nostalgia, laziness, and maybe even some lingering resentment, for the reason that you realize this case could find yourself harming her one way or another.

Choose some other person for a few casual enjoyable until you’re clearer in your emotions and hers. Intercourse with an ex could be good. Being an excellent, thoughtful, considerate and drama-free ex? Better still.

Give attention to that.

Roe McDermott is just a fulbright and writer scholar by having an MA in sex studies from bay area State University. She actually is researching a PhD in gendered and intimate citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.